Tomorrow is the last day of 2009 and all I can say is, thank God! I don't know why, but I've always kind of hated odd-numbered years. I guess I have a bias against odd numbers in general. Don't even get me started on Prime numbers. Ugh.
So, like about a billion other people, I get really nostalgic and sentimental at the end of the year. And, in true American fashion, I create a huge list of goals for the coming year. I have learned, though, not to fill the list with ridiculous things like "exercise more, eat less." Why set myself up to fail like that? Instead I like to make goals like, "take care of your emotions" and "be kind to others." I figure these, I at least, have a snowball's chance in hell at getting somewhat right.
And how about that blue moon we're having? Cool! Though I was reading on The Seattle Times that a true blue moon has something to do with air particles being a certain size and colored red which makes the moon actually appear to be blue. And it happens like once in a billion years and usually only after 13,000 people die in a volcano eruption or something like that. But I'm okay with the common definition of a blue moon, which is a second full moon in one calendar month. Booya! That is super cool, too! Hey, does this also mean that I'll have my period twice in one month? I'm so confused.
Happy new year, everyone! Don't forget to write those goals and reflect on how bitchin' it is to say good'bye to stupid ol' 2009.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Holly Hunter Doesn't Know Me
Today I was thinking about Holly Hunter. I'm not really sure why, but I love her to death. I try to see everything she has her name attached to, and even if it sucks, at least she was a part of it. Somehow my mind drifted off to "Once Around" (one of her films with Richard Dreyfuss) and I started dreaming about how wonderful Holly is, and (in true fatalistic fashion) what a tragedy it would be if something terrible happened to Holly. I imagined seeing a headline on my Google homepage about Holly dead in a tragic accident or something, and that thought immediately led me to the (also fatalistic) thought that what if it were me who was killed in a horrible traffic accident, and how sad is it that Holly Hunter would not even know! She has no idea who I am and how much I admire her! And what a pathetic loser am I that I would even have this thought!
But seriously, hero worship, it's an interesting thing, isn't it? I mean, our whole culture seems to be centered around worshiping Hollywood stars and starletts. And no matter how aware we try to be of the whole phenomenon, we find ourselves drawn like children to the candy aisle to those People and Us magazine covers. My favorite thing about getting my hair cut is getting to pour over, without guilt, all of the Hollywood mags. It's the only place I ever let myself truly indulge in all the glory of my twisted Hollywood hero worship.
It's a shame that somehow this doesn't get to be a two-way street. Why can't I be friends with Holly? Why can't I call her up after seeing her latest movie and say, "Holy shit girl, you were the bomb!" No sir, that is simply not allowed. There is no way on this green Earth that I will ever be friends with Holly. And it may be a pathetic sentiment, but I'm really kind of sad about it. Because for some reason, I'm pretty sure I was supposed to know her in this lifetime. But now she is all rich and famous, and I am just this sad little drone, my sadness deepened by the knowledge Holly is lucky enough not to have -- that we will never fulfill our destiny of being galpals, forever best friends. I am doomed to forever worship her from afar.
But seriously, hero worship, it's an interesting thing, isn't it? I mean, our whole culture seems to be centered around worshiping Hollywood stars and starletts. And no matter how aware we try to be of the whole phenomenon, we find ourselves drawn like children to the candy aisle to those People and Us magazine covers. My favorite thing about getting my hair cut is getting to pour over, without guilt, all of the Hollywood mags. It's the only place I ever let myself truly indulge in all the glory of my twisted Hollywood hero worship.
It's a shame that somehow this doesn't get to be a two-way street. Why can't I be friends with Holly? Why can't I call her up after seeing her latest movie and say, "Holy shit girl, you were the bomb!" No sir, that is simply not allowed. There is no way on this green Earth that I will ever be friends with Holly. And it may be a pathetic sentiment, but I'm really kind of sad about it. Because for some reason, I'm pretty sure I was supposed to know her in this lifetime. But now she is all rich and famous, and I am just this sad little drone, my sadness deepened by the knowledge Holly is lucky enough not to have -- that we will never fulfill our destiny of being galpals, forever best friends. I am doomed to forever worship her from afar.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
How can I miss you if you won't leave?
Does this happen to anyone else? You have a day coming, which you know will be free of plans. So you begin to imagine everything you will accomplish in that day. You will finally get around to backing up the files on your computer. You will clean the entire house. You will spend at least three hours writing and another three hours reading. You will bake bread. You will make a dozen phone calls you've been putting off for a week. You will write a song.
Then the day finally comes and you spend the entirety of it wasting away in front of the television watching movies. All of a sudden, your motivation to do anything else is flushed down the toilet along with the remains of your last beer. And it's not that you've forgotten The List. Worse yet, you remember it very vividly. You even remember the excitement you felt when dreaming up The List, the swelling of pride at all you would achieve in that glorious day of solitude. This memory just adds to the feeling of worthlessness, disgust at your own endless capacity for sloth.
Thank goodness I avoided having this kind of day, for now I am writing in my blog. So I may not have spent three hours writing today, but 30 minutes isn't so bad? And I may not have made those phone calls, but I backed up my computer files. You see, sometimes you have to lower those expectations and just get comfortable with your own laziness. And I know, if I just had one more day, I'd get the house cleaned.
Then the day finally comes and you spend the entirety of it wasting away in front of the television watching movies. All of a sudden, your motivation to do anything else is flushed down the toilet along with the remains of your last beer. And it's not that you've forgotten The List. Worse yet, you remember it very vividly. You even remember the excitement you felt when dreaming up The List, the swelling of pride at all you would achieve in that glorious day of solitude. This memory just adds to the feeling of worthlessness, disgust at your own endless capacity for sloth.
Thank goodness I avoided having this kind of day, for now I am writing in my blog. So I may not have spent three hours writing today, but 30 minutes isn't so bad? And I may not have made those phone calls, but I backed up my computer files. You see, sometimes you have to lower those expectations and just get comfortable with your own laziness. And I know, if I just had one more day, I'd get the house cleaned.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Happy Christmas
I'm thrilled to say that, after not writing in my blog for days, my fans are coming out the woodwork to ask for a new post! Okay, the fan in question is my Mom, who has always encouraged me to write, but still ... I'm happy to be asked! Okay, now I have to figure out what to write about.
I guess I could write about Christmas. It's that time again, and it feels a little weird this year, mostly because of the weather. We were having really chilly weather here the last couple of weeks, but it was clear and crisp. It actually felt kind of Christmasy. Then it warmed up and started to rain. And I'm talking torrential downpour. Now it just feels wet and soggy and Christmas lights seem oddly out of place. Last year at this time we were getting snow, which really irked me, but did solidify the Christmas mood of the place.
Boy, pretty exciting stuff here, talking about the weather. I probably shouldn't even be attempting a post right now. I'm totally tapped, feeling a little stressed out and not feeling at all articulate about any of it. I'm ready for a little down time, maybe even reflection. I've really wanted to get creative lately too (in the form of making music or painting) but just haven't found the time and energy for it. Perhaps the quiet time around the holidays will provide the space for such endeavors. It's funny to say "quiet time" in reference to the holidays, knowing that, for most people, the holidays are anything but quiet. But being far away from family, there isn't much chaos in our holiday week.
I'll be trying to write more in the coming days (thanks, Mom!) but for now, for anyone who may be reading, I hope you are having a wonderful week before Christmas, week of Hanukkah, etc. Be safe and celebrate.
I guess I could write about Christmas. It's that time again, and it feels a little weird this year, mostly because of the weather. We were having really chilly weather here the last couple of weeks, but it was clear and crisp. It actually felt kind of Christmasy. Then it warmed up and started to rain. And I'm talking torrential downpour. Now it just feels wet and soggy and Christmas lights seem oddly out of place. Last year at this time we were getting snow, which really irked me, but did solidify the Christmas mood of the place.
Boy, pretty exciting stuff here, talking about the weather. I probably shouldn't even be attempting a post right now. I'm totally tapped, feeling a little stressed out and not feeling at all articulate about any of it. I'm ready for a little down time, maybe even reflection. I've really wanted to get creative lately too (in the form of making music or painting) but just haven't found the time and energy for it. Perhaps the quiet time around the holidays will provide the space for such endeavors. It's funny to say "quiet time" in reference to the holidays, knowing that, for most people, the holidays are anything but quiet. But being far away from family, there isn't much chaos in our holiday week.
I'll be trying to write more in the coming days (thanks, Mom!) but for now, for anyone who may be reading, I hope you are having a wonderful week before Christmas, week of Hanukkah, etc. Be safe and celebrate.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Not Knowing
For those of you who might have read my last post, I am happy to say I'm feeling a bit more cheerful. I think the extended period of gray and rain finally got to me and the world seemed like a very bleak place. But we've had several days of sunshine (and moonshine!) and my spirits are slowly lifting.
I was cheered a bit more yesterday while listening to the recent interview Bill Moyers did with Jane Goodall. Jane is, of course, a living legend and I think every animal lover the world over has envied her extraordinary experiences living among and studying the chimpanzees of Gombe National Park. During her conversation with Moyers, Jane commented that sometimes we don't need to always be trying to answer the big questions. Sometimes it is just okay to not know what it's all about and just be comfortable in not knowing. Boy, was that a nice thing to hear! I felt my spirit instantly relax into the idea that just breathing in and experiencing the beautiful world around us might be enough. Perhaps the answers come to us in those moments, and then again, perhaps we all go to the grave not knowing a damned thing.
I guess, like most people, I've always expected that the older I got, the more I would know. But I find that is not nearly the case. I may have more information in my tiny little brain, I may gather more knowledge per se, but I don't really feel like I know any more than I did when I was 20. In a lot of ways, I feel like I know less. I had the cocky self-assurance of my convictions back then. Now I know better -- my way of looking at the world is no better or worse than anyone else, nor is it any more true or valid. We're all just scratching our heads, trying to figure it out. Perhaps "wisdom" is just getting comfortable with this inevitable fact of life.
I was cheered a bit more yesterday while listening to the recent interview Bill Moyers did with Jane Goodall. Jane is, of course, a living legend and I think every animal lover the world over has envied her extraordinary experiences living among and studying the chimpanzees of Gombe National Park. During her conversation with Moyers, Jane commented that sometimes we don't need to always be trying to answer the big questions. Sometimes it is just okay to not know what it's all about and just be comfortable in not knowing. Boy, was that a nice thing to hear! I felt my spirit instantly relax into the idea that just breathing in and experiencing the beautiful world around us might be enough. Perhaps the answers come to us in those moments, and then again, perhaps we all go to the grave not knowing a damned thing.
I guess, like most people, I've always expected that the older I got, the more I would know. But I find that is not nearly the case. I may have more information in my tiny little brain, I may gather more knowledge per se, but I don't really feel like I know any more than I did when I was 20. In a lot of ways, I feel like I know less. I had the cocky self-assurance of my convictions back then. Now I know better -- my way of looking at the world is no better or worse than anyone else, nor is it any more true or valid. We're all just scratching our heads, trying to figure it out. Perhaps "wisdom" is just getting comfortable with this inevitable fact of life.
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